Ted's Montana Grill

Out of the onion rings, fries, and other sides at Ted's Montana Grill, chocolate milkshakes win by far

Who is Ted? Who is TED? Ted Turner the Third?! The man who CREATED CNN?! The man who was the largest private landowner in America until 2011? Who uses his 15 ranches to raise the largest herd of bison in THE WORLD, re-popularizing bison meat in his misnamed Montana Grill actually in Atlanta? Yea. That Ted. Andy here with the scoop.


Atmosphere:

Enter. See a bar. Bartender has a manbun, serves root beer. Good, IBC root beer. Probably also alcohol but I wouldn’t know because I am a good kid. He seems happy. The floor tiles make a hexagonal mosaic. Deeper into the restaurant, all the lights are yellowed, and the room remains dark. It feels mysterious until your eyes adjust. Then it seems romantic. To pass into the back of the restaurant is to not be seated in the 2-4 person booths, with full backs that go 7 feet up. Only very tall people will not have privacy in those booths. For god’s sake, they’re even a bit enclosed from the entrance. I sat at a circular table in the middle of the room. The table covering was a paper map. Though everything was pretty cramped, it was not uncomfortably warm or uncomfortably cramped. The roof is very high, and the bathrooms are super clean. All the plumbing looks gold plated, which was a nice touch in addition to the restaurant being very neat in general

Actual Food:

You ever look at a pint of Häagen-Dazs and wonder “what if I blended that and let it melt to the perfect consistency, but removed the part where it hurts my throat cause it’s sweet or hurt my teeth because I have weak teeth?” Ted’s got you covered. They’re bringing back paper straws by pairing them with milkshakes that taste like chocolate clouds. My veggie friend’s patty was quite good, not too salty for a black bean burger. Ok, I admit it, I haven’t ever had one before, I just think his was actually good compared to the vegetarian foodstuffs I’ve had in the past *coughcoughHarmonyVegetarian.
Onto the main dish. The food arrives. The ketchups are on a separate platter. I call them ketchups because they’re all in cute little buckets. I asked for some mayo for reasons I can’t remember, but they replaced my ketchup with it. Maybe I’m a freak who enjoys ketchup and majo at the same time, Ted. Don’t assume my life choices are mutually exclusive. Anyway. The fries were the same as In-N-Out’s, but thicc-er. They tasted better too. This place also offers onion rings, which aren't my thing. Their breading fell off too easily and I thought the onions were cut too thickly.
I ordered the Kitchen Sink, which I hope to do again in the future. It has ham, bacon, mushrooms, cheese, and onions in addition to the patty. I didn’t get a bison patty because it doesn’t taste all that different. If reading my burger description doesn’t make you salivate I’m not sure you should come to America. Also, a fried egg. I think fried eggs are an underrated ingredient to burgers and sandwiches. They make me feel sunny and add a new mouthfeel. The whole contraption was pretty tall and beautiful, but the low lighting prevented Instagram-perfect pictures.

Rating:

10/10 mayo buckets. I’ve experienced a lot of close ones in the near past, but Ted has really crafted a perfect experience. The ambience, the food itself, the playful waiters, the gold plated plumbing! Beautiful. Pair that with their wholesome agenda of incentivizing ranchers to once again raise American bison to their once-thundering herds and you get a Tastytown worth visiting again and again.

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